when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
