I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize