Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I love you.
Bad choice
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
