I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
