I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
