You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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