i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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