He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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