I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
