I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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