another moral hangover. fuck.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
