i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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