at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
