he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
