hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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