My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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