just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
why do cheetos always look like penises
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
