come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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