im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Everything about him screamed your future.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize