**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
