Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
