Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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