Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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