Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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