i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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