I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
