I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i've created a new STD.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
