My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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