you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
