I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
