It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
