my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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