i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize