well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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