Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
