chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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