My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
