Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
