Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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