update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
