I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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