I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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