i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
porn star boner night. come get it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
