Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
