You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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