I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
