defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
