Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
