I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Two words: blizzard sex
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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