Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
