sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
