I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
