He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
