you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
