And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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