i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize