Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
