my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
