Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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