I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
