im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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