you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
